Why Did I Eat This? Lance BOLD Crackers

The latest in an effort to blanket the entire world in buffalo wing sauce (and then top it with bacon), Lance BOLDS cracker sandwiches grab their nerdier counterparts by their day-glo orange shoulders and kick them square in their Toast-Chee nuts. Remember the Bonestorm episode of the Simpsons? That was me at the grocery store yesterday. I told my entire family to "Buy me Lance BOLDS crackers or go to hell!"*

Fast forward to 10am this morning, when I'm ready to make snacktime EXTREME!  The spokesbro for Lance BOLDS is Nyjah Huston, a 20-year old skateboarder who's had a skateboard under his feet from the time he could walk. Armed with that knowledge, I'm expecting to be able to switch kickflip at least 10 stairs after my first cracker.**

I started with Buffalo Wing Blue Cheese, which have the same orange hue as Lance's Toast-Chee variety. I expected a pronounced artificial flavor, but instead got a mouthful of heat and an excellent rendition of blue cheese flavor. These were the best approximation of buffalo flavor I've had since Herr's Buffalo Blue Cheese Curls.

With my mouth on fire and expectations riding high, I moved on to the Bacon Cheddar flavor. What should have been another roundhouse kick to the face turned out to be a disappointingly bland and crumbly cracker. I should have been on high alert after noticing that the "bacon" crumbles studded into the cracker itself resembled a bunch of scabs, which is probably what happens after you assume that you'll be good at skateboarding after eating these cracker sandwiches.

Ew, there's scabs on my crackers.

There's a third flavor, Pizza (yes, just plain old pizza), but fuck that shit. I guess one out of three ain't bad, especially since the Buffalo Wing Blue Cheese (BWBC) flavor was so damn good. Stay tuned for an update on how much better I am at skateboarding after eating these. Buen provecho.

*Actual Interaction: Me putting two boxes of crackers in the shopping cart and then moving on to the coffee aisle.

**Ed. Note: Lance BOLDS makes no guarantee about improving ability to skateboard.

Philly Burger Brawl 2015: Can You Eat 53 Burgers in 3 Hours?

Everybody's pissed off at Game of Thrones and I made this image over a year ago, but sometimes you need a lede and you're at work (and you're a lazy excuse for a writer).

Anyhoo, in less than a month (June 14th, from 3pm-6pm, to be exact), the 5th annual Philly Burger Brawl will descend upon Xfinity Live!, bringing with it 53 contenders vying for a really cool trophy and bragging rights. For you, this means that for $35, you can subject yourself to an eating challenge that carries its own bragging rights. And, if you can get through all 53, it'll only cost you $0.66 per burger (you can also pay the VIP rate of $100, which gets you started an hour earlier than us common folk)! Sadly, I'll be on my way to the shore, but this is definitely something you should check out if you're in Philly for the weekend. Buen provecho.

And the Award for Shittiest Meal of 2015 Goes to...

Maybe it's the fact that we decided to go out for dinner on Monday. Maybe this past Monday was, in general, one of those Mondays that gives Mondays a bad rap. Or maybe, just maybe, the Manayunk Brewing Co. has decided to mail it in with their food now that their beer is a level above your ambitious neighbor's "Dave-Brau."

At the risk of sounding like an insufferable Yelper, I'm going to bitch and moan for a few paragraphs in order to get this meal off my chest. Before I launch headlong into it, I will say that the service was great, albeit slow.

But the food was an absolute atrocity.

No sushi on Mondays, I get it. My daughter, not so much. Her reluctant second choice, apples drizzled with caramel for dinner. Three apple slices, two strawberry halves, six bucks, and none of it eaten.

Mrs. Gastro and I (since there was no sushi) decided to split fish tacos and artichoke dip. No fish tacos. Our reluctant second choice, a veggie burger that was allegedly house made. The provolone cheese and mayo both failed to mask the taste of freezer burn. The artichoke dip was another loser. Ten bucks for a baby handful of stale chips and a ramekin of brown goo.

The only bright spot on the table (which was covered in outdoor filth and pollen) was my son's chicken fingers. Unfortunately, he's not real big on sharing these days.

At the end of it, we dropped 70 bucks and got in a big fight. Two days later, I'm still depressed and angry. I guess the moral here is "Don't go out on Mondays, but if you do, get the chicken fingers. And now, a stupid Dos Equis meme to support this point. Buen provecho.

A Volvery Special Announcement: Garces Re-Imagines Menu at Kimmel Center Flagship

How many chefs does it take to change a light bulb?

Duh, chefs don't change light bulbs, they change menus! Whether it's the changing seasons or the constant drive to push the envelope, Philly's chefs refuse to sit still. Case in point, Jose Garces and his GRG Team, who just announced a major Spring overhaul at Volver.

The new menu is a four-way collaboration between Garces, chef de cuisine Natalie Maronski, and corporate chefs Justin Bogle and Gregg Ciprioni. You can choose 8 courses for $95 or get straight baller and opt for the 12-course $150 testing menu (do people say "baller" anymore?). Both menus can be paired with beverages curated by somm and beverage director Gordana Kostovski.

The Kimmel Center hosts plenty of performances, but Volver is where the food theater happens. Buen provecho.

Click through for menus.

Earth Bread + Brewery Loses Its Finest

Devastated is an understatement.

Good, bad, or ugly, social media means that you've access to a constant stream of news (provided you're plugged in, which of course you are because it's 2015), but it doesn't mean you're prepared for it. Last night, when Mrs. Gastro burst into tears next to me on the couch, neither of us were ready for the news of Bernard Ray's passing, especially at the hand of violence. If you knew him, you'll know that this is a terrible irony. If you didn't, it's a shame you'll never get to experience his disarming smile, his open arms, and the way he made you feel so goddamn welcome anytime you sat down for a meal at Earth Bread + Brewery.

Although we didn't know him outside of the restaurant, he leaves a lasting impression with me and my family and a giant hole in our collective hearts. 

This Thursday, January 8, Earth Bread + Brewery will be donating all proceeds from guest checks to his three young boys, daughter, and grandchild. Additional contributions are also welcome and can be given to servers or bartenders. Alternatively, if you can't make it, donations can be sent into the restaurant.

It's going to be difficult to walk through those doors Thursday, but I strongly urge you to do so. My deepest condolences to Bernard's family and to the Earth Bread + Brewery staff.  And to Bernard, rest in peace my friend. Your smile will never be forgotten.

Why Did I Eat This? A Cronut for the Rest of Us

Back in May of 2013, the world lost its shit over the Cronut, a pastry likened to a croissant-donut hybrid created by Dominique Ansel in New York City. Lacking both the time and the patience, I didn't bother to go out of my way to see whether or not it was worth waiting in a line of Shake Shack proportions. Hell, I didn't even try any of the clones that popped up locally. To be honest, I just wasn't that interested, and I prefer to keep my donuts and croissants separate, much like my quesadillas and burritos.

Fast forward to now. Ansel has released a cookbook so we can all fuck up his recipes at home, and Dunkin' Donuts has finally reverse engineered a way to bring shelf-stable Cronuts to the masses. Since the word "cronut" is trademarked (shoulda, coulda, woulda, "Flaming Moe"), Dunkin' is simply calling them "Croissant Donuts," and retailing them for $2.49. They come in their own nifty little box instead of being haphazardly thrown into a brown paper bag (cute touch), and while they resemble the iconic pastry, they aren't that different than Dunkin's regular glazed donut. The butter flavor tastes artificial, the layers of pastry dough aren't flaky, and the shellac of milk and confectioners' sugar slurry weighs the whole thing down. Simply put, it tastes like diabetes with a heart disease filling.

At some point in the future (provided we're not all dead because the world is horrible and full of horrible people), I hope to try the original. For all of you out there, I'd recommend doing the same and skipping this clone in favor of a few extra years on your life. Buen provecho.

Mike Jerrick to Host "Ya Gotta Try This!" Food Festival

Mike Jerrick is my fucking hero and I want his job. He's also a board member for The Second Chance Foundation, a non-prof that raises money and resources for community organizations serving "at-risk" youth and their families. To assist with the fundraising, Mr. Jerrick and District Attorney R. Seth Williams are hosting the first annual "Ya Gotta Try This!" food festival next Thursday, October 2, from 6:30-9:30 P.M. at the Independence Visitor Center, because raffles and spaghetti dinners are stupid.

There will be 24 local restaurants featured alongside beers from Yards and an open bar from Southern Wine and Spirits, which makes the $50 worth it if you're a drunk like me. Plus, you get to see Mike Jerrick act all Mike Jerrick in person. Buen provecho.

Buy tickets and get more details here.

Victory Brewing and Key Ingredient Market "Spread" Dip Distribution

Heady Topper: Hop Devil Cheddar Spread is one of three offerings from Victory and Key Ingredient Market

While day drinking is preferable, it's not always feasible. Thankfully, Victory Brewing has teamed up with Key Ingredient Market to provide a trio of cheddar dips and spreads that offer a good proxy, and after a successful test run outside the Philadelphia market, all three are now available at Whole Foods locations in Glen Mills, Devon, and Jenkintown, as well as Whole Foods across the bridge in Cherry Hill and Marlton.

And cheddar spread distribution isn't the only thing they're expanding. The brewery also announced they'll be building another brewpub in Leesburg, Virginia, also known as Phase 2 of their plan for world beer domination, an endeavor in which they plan to be, ahem, victorious. Buen provecho.

Old Standbys: Cin Cin Restaurant in Chestnut Hill

Pandiarrhea's Box: Takeout Hurts Sometimes

Chinese takeout was/is/always will be delicious. It's loaded with MSG and often fried and you get to eat it out of a cool box that supposedly unfolds into a plate. But it's also murder on the midsection, especially if the really cool box/plates are handed to you through bulletproof glass. Still, it's as American as racism and diabetes, and if you can find a place that's both cheap and high quality, you've got a great excuse not to cook.

My local is Cin Cin in Chestnut Hill. Although much more restaurant than takeout, they do a great job with the latter. It's great for when Baggage Claim is free on demand and you skipped dinner with the kids but started drinking and now you're hungry and you haven't had General Tso's Chicken in a while and since you're watching a romantic comedy you need an excuse for the tears you'll inevitably shed at the end of it (I blamed the dry peppers). Do you have a local? Or do you prefer to wait for a trek to Chinatown, licking peanut butter off a spoon in the meantime since you've removed your pants for the evening? Buen provecho.

All Things Ramen at CoZara Ramen Sundays

"My horned dome is always thinking about ramen burgers" - Satan

I know what you're thinking. What does Satan have to do with ramen? More specifically, ramen burgers? The answer is simple. Not a goddamn thing, but I'm pretty sure Satan is a huge ramen fan, and I suppose the whole ramen trend is still hotter than hell (there's your connection!). But enough about our cloven-hooved prince of darkness, let's shift our focus to CoZara in University City, where Chefs Zama Tanaka and Chris Paulikas have dedicated Sundays to the humble noodle, featuring a menu of ramen rarities like Ramen Burgers and Mazemen available from 2-8pm alongside their regular Sunday menu. Not sure how long this experiment will last, so I'd recommend skipping brunch next Sunday to go and try every dish. Buen provecho (oh yeah, and hail Satan).

(Full menu after the jump)

The Dark Side of Barbie's Beau

Sometimes the guitar comes out and the kids don't immediately tell you to put it away. And sometimes they even ask you to play a song about a Ken doll. When that happens, this happens, especially if you're friends with a gentleman by the name of Brad Podray, who was gracious enough to record me and this video and then overlay the two, the result of which is Ken's lament. Please enjoy!

Why Did I Eat This?

"There's a burrito in my quesadilla." - Taco Bell Wrapper

Behold, Taco Bell's version of a stuffed crust pizza. Originally something found on Chipotle's secret menu, Taco Bell did what any self-resepecting corporation would do with such a great idea: rip it off and market the shit out of it.

With little willpower and only a salad for lunch, I was an easy mark for the Quesarito, a burrito with a quesadilla shell. Sadly, the addition of said quesadilla is not accretive. Apart from the (also ripped off from Chipotle) cilantro-lime rice and a spicy mayo-based sauce, it tasted like your standard beef burrito, just with the added calories of an extra tortilla. For $2.80, you're better off getting a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with a Doritos shell. Buen provecho.

Chef Spike's Good Stuff Eatery Opens, Nobody Seems to Give a Shit

No lines out the door. No lines inside. Not that there was any real hype to begin with. According to Foobooz, Spike was there on Tuesday when the place opened, but after the requisite Scott Schroeder selfie...

Photo Credit: Scott Charles Schroeder, People's Champ

He seems to have split. Not that I was interested in meeting the dude. It would have probably been awkward considering my opinion of him is less than favorable (TV makes you hate people). Instead, I'll continue to hide in the tall grass of the internet and serve up this quick photo series of the newly opened Good Stuff Eatery. My early troll's opinion is that although it's a blatant Shake Shack ripoff, it's not bad. I would caution against shitting on "Cheese Whiz," however. Buen Provecho.

This sign is stupid and anger-inducing.

Good Stuff might have it in the fry department.

Despite my hatred for Evangelos Mendelsohn (Spike's gubment name), the Good Stuff Melt was pretty delicious.

Super Easy Coconut Curry Chicken Recipe

Last night I set Instagram ablaze with this recipe (20 likes!), but rather than float the recipe into the sea of comments (6 total including mine!), I figured you could get to it much easier if I posted here. I used chicken breasts, but any protein will do (a meaty fish like turbot works very well). If you do make it, constructive criticism/regular criticism is welcome in the comments. Buen provecho.

Easy Ass Coconut Curry Chicken

Ingredients:

1.5 to 2 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1 tbsp vegetable oil

1/2 cup onion, diced

1 tbsp red curry paste

1 cup chicken broth

1/2 cup light coconut milk

2 tbsp lime juice

5 scallions, green parts only, sliced

Roughly chopped cilantro, about 1/2 cup

Salt and pepper to taste

Preparation:

Heat oil in your biggest skillet on high. While the pan heats, cube the chicken and add to pan when oil shimmers. Toss in some salt and pepper, brown the chicken, then remove from pan. Add onions and cook until translucent or slightly browned, then add curry paste and cook until fragrant. Stir in chicken stock, coconut milk, and cooked chicken, then let the broth cook down until desired consistency. Remove from heat, stir in lime juice, scallions, and cilantro. Add more salt and pepper to taste. Serve over steamed spinach if your metabolism runs at a snail's pace and you're sentenced to a miserable life of not eating carbohydrates. Otherwise, serve over a bed of delicious basmati rice.

You Have Four More Days to Try the Carbonara Burger

Impossible to photograph and nearly as hard to eat, the Marc Vetri x Shake Shack collaboration burger is definitely worth the mess. And if you get there early like I did, you probably won't need to stand in a record-breaking line to eat it. It's one thing to have patience when you're not hungry. But if you haven't eaten since breakfast? Fuck that shit.

The burger (Patty La La patty, peppery over-easy egg, bacon, and pecorino cheese) is a mere $6.75, and a dollar of that goes to The Vetri Foundation, so if you were too poor to attend last night's Great Chefs Event, this is a great way to contribute before it gets taken off the menu on June 16th. Plus, the burger is ridiculously good. Buen provecho.

ICYDFMOT (In Case You Don't Follow Me On Twitter), Here's Some Terrible Photoshops for Your Friday

In light of the recent news that culinary bad boy Guy Fieri is wasting someone else's money on a steakhouse that will probably fail within two months of opening, I started thinking about an alternate universe where Philly chefs donned the denim chef coat and bleached spikes and kame up with some kewl koncepts. Then I tweeted a bunch of terrible photoshops called "Philly Chefs in a Denim Chef's Coat with Guy Fieri Hair." Now I'm taking it a step further and presenting some highlights in the series with each chef's money menu item since it's Friday and you need a distraction from your soul-crushing job. Buen Provecho.

Big In Munich Cancels June 2nd Show

Channeling Miley Cyrus, part-time rockstars and full-time chefs Jeremy Nolen and Ben Puchowitz have canceled next Tuesday's Philly Beer Week show. Their Facebook page cites unfortunate circumstances, so we're all hopeful that the Summer hiatus isn't anything too serious, but this is some shit news for sure, and definitely more disappointing than the time I went to the Fat Ham for lunch and it was closed. At least there's a bajillion PBW events where we can drown our sorrows. Buen provecho.

Free Japanese Burrito Day at Hai Street Kitchen & Co

Thanks to Michael Klein, much of Center City got wind of a free Japanese burrito promotion happening at Hai St Kitchen & Co today, a new concept from one of Morimoto's sous chefs that first debuted in London (because America wasn't quite ready). I can count myself among the jackasses that subjected themselves to a two-plus hour wait to try what was essentially an enormous maki roll, something that would set you back eight bucks and most likely a shorter wait on a normal day. Part of it was curiosity, and part of it was, "Hey! Free food!" And although I'm not much for lines (because we get everything instantly because we live in the future), I have to admit that it was actually worth the wait. I'm curious to know if others felt the same way, because this was all I saw when I looked behind me:

But enough about the social dynamics of subjecting people to long wait times to get free shit. Let's discuss the Japanese burrito. I had plenty of time to go over the menu, but I was pretty set with a Signature Roll Combination called "The Crunch" from the time I decided to wait it out. To keep things moving, ordering and preparation follows Chipotle's assembly line concept. It all starts with a magic machine called a Maki Master that cranks out square tiles of sushi rice, providing Hai Street's version of a tortilla. Next, you pick proteins, vegetables, and sauces, all of which are overstuffed into the roll. This is what differentiates it from normal sushi. The roll is literally burrito-sized (and only cut into two pieces):

Empty Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee cup shown for scale. That's only half the roll.

Inside this monstrosity was shrimp tempura, spicy mayo, romaine lettuce, cucumber, pickled mango, and asparagus. Since it's mostly made-to-order, everything tasted fresh. The tempura had a nice crunch, the rice was well-cooked, and the spicy mayo was balanced nicely with the cucumber and mango's brightness. Oh yeah, and it was free (if you don't count the opportunity cost of waiting). I could probably take down more than one in a sitting, but this was a good start. It will definitely be a welcome addition to the lunch options in Center City. Buen provecho.

Why Did I Eat This? McDonald's Bacon Clubhouse

There are no redeeming qualities to this sandwich. Fuck this sandwich.  

Joe Biden Caught With Federal Donuts, Jimi Has Questions.

Excuse me while I quiz this guy.

Dear Twitter, please allow us to add gifs to our tweets.