Friday, September 13, 2013

The Two Whitest Things I Heard at Last Night's Philly Feastival

If you weren't at last night's Philly Feastival, you missed an opportunity to sample ridiculous food from all the restaurants you've ever wanted visit if you could ever manage to find a last-minute babysitter willing to watch two kids on a weeknight. You also missed Jesse Rendell stumbling through the auction items once again (if you need an emcee/auctioneer/hype man for next year, I'm your guy), heaps of dancey performance art that sort of made sense, and these two gems that you could only hear at such an event:
  • "Oh my God, I didn't recognize you without spinning clothes on!"
  • "I can't wait to check out Stephen Starr's restaurant row."
White people are amazing. Buen provecho.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Regular Ass Guy Bullet Point List to Being a Man

While indeed thoughtful, Business Insider's "Unofficial Guide to Being a Man" appears to be written for a narrow audience. After all, we can't all be overworked and miserable millionaires with no life skills at the ripe old age of 28. With that in mind, I've curated my own list for the rest of us, because being a man today is basically the same as it was when our dads were on their grind, just with tighter clothes and a lot more fantasy football.
  • If you're gonna talk about where you went to college, make sure you went to a sports school, but if you played sports, stop talking about how you could have gone pro.
  • Khakis are both comfortable and versatile. The best ones come from Kohl's.
  • Pee outside. Just not in the middle of a busy intersection.
  • Tattoos are fine as long as they aren't on your face or neck. Plus, they look wicked hardcore when you're on the Tough Mudder course.
  • Join Twitter. Follow Karl Welzein, Zoo With Roy, and Deadspin.
  • If your house and your office are both relatively close to the bus stop, there's little shame in the bus game. However, the monthly payment on a Scion or a Ford Focus is about the same as a bus pass. The jury's out on which one's more depressing.
  • Do your laundry while watching football on Sundays. Make sure the entirety of your business casual wardrobe is non-iron/wrinkle-free. Life's too short NOT to multitask.
  • When the bartender asks, Miller Lite.
  • If you perspire, make sure that you're the first to point out how disgusting it is, then continue to sweat like the pig you are. Hope everyone laughs.
  • You have to like baseball. This is America.
  • When people don't invite you to a party, it's probably because of your perspiration problem. Those people are high falutin' and can suck a fatty.
  • It's always better to be the funny drunk guy than the angry drunk guy.
  • Brunch is for hipsters. Hipsters are anyone different from you and who like things other than sports.
  • There's always another level. You just won't get to it, unless you're referring to video games.
  • Place-dropping is cool so long as it's the Super Bowl, the World Series, or one of the majors. Nobody gives a shit how many DMB concerts you've attended.
  • If you're not driving and it's free, whiskey away.
  • You can't afford cocaine.
  • If it's got velvet ropes and lines, you're at the wrong place. Buffalo Wild Wings is down the street.
If you need a little more clarity, this song ought to help.

Monday, September 09, 2013

The Greatest Top Chef Season 11 Pre-Cap Song You've Ever Heard

I blame (thank?) Buzzfeed for the self-serving title of this post, but if you can get past the shitty Garage Band recording and poorly-timed slideshow I made using software that dates back to the invention of the abacus, the results are pretty spectacular. Here's hoping this season of Top Chef will be a lot better than the previous two. Let me know if I should waste my time doing this every week in the comments. Buen Provecho.