The Cure for the Summertime Blues

There was some serious backlash regarding the last WhyDIET? post, but that's the intent, people. I eat the heavily marketed crap so you don't have to, thereby saving you both calories and your dignity. However, I have said on more than one occasion that I am an equal opportunity eater, so when I'm not chasing the fast food high, I like to slow things down.

At this other end of the spectrum (the non-shitty end), sweet and spicy takes on a whole new meaning with this barbecue chicken recipe from Serious Eater Joshua Bousel. It turns out that the sauce slathering should be an afterthought, so I focused on creating a zinger of a rub instead, and also made sure that my drumsticks were given at least as much attention as Mrs. Gastro gives to the Jon and Kate saga. Buen provecho.

Rub Ingredients (for 6 lbs of chicken)

2 T Ground black pepper

2 T Chili powder

1 T Brown sugar

1 T Cumin

1 T Dried oregano

1 T Smoked paprika

1 T Salt

1/2 T Granulated garlic

1/2 T Granulated sugar

Cayenne pepper to your heat tolerance

Mix ingredients together and toss with chicken in a couple freezer bags. Refrigerate at least a half hour and up to twenty-four. Follow the recipe in the link above. More pictures can be seen here. Full disclosure: I used Kraft barbecue sauce, but that shit was bangin'.

Why Did I Eat This?

"I'm hot, sticky sweet; from my head to my feet." - Def Leppard

I'm pretty sure the guys from Def Leppard were not referring to Wendy's new Asian Chicken Bites when they wrote "Pour Some Sugar on Me," but I suppose that's neither here nor there. Curious to taste another failure at reinventing the fast food wheel, Mrs. Gastro and I made a small detour on our way to the movies for me to try this drive-thru disaster. Let's break it down like so many stomach acids:

1. I'm pretty sure the acrid taste of the breading was due to the fact that the teens behind the counter would rather smoke marijuana cigarettes than clean the fryer grease, but there's a slight possibility that this whole sauce thing might be Wendy's trying to hide the fact that they're using low(er) quality chicken.

2. The sauce, while not as brown as what you get at the Chinese food carts, had the same corn starchy consistency and stickiness that you pray won't leap from the container onto your hands or clothes (especially if you've got your swag on).

3. More on the sauce: the spice catches up to you, the sweetness makes your teeth hurt, and the red pepper flakes are made of tissue paper.

4. Fries and Sweet & Spicy Asian Chicken is a terrible combination. Sprite doesn't help the cause.

If you've ever put sweet & sour sauce on your chicken nuggets, then these boneless wings are nothing new. The processed chicken is molded a bit differently to replicate breast meat, but that's about it. In addition to the flavors of the Far East, Wendy's also offers Bold Buffalo and Honey BBQ, two flavors that, sadly, I'll be stupid enough to try in the coming weeks. Buen provecho.

Baby Got Back (yes, two rap songs in two posts)

Michael Pollan said that somebody else said that meat will kill you, but as a newly minted Philadelphian, I'm quickly learning a meat bender is the least of my worries. Case in point, the shithead brandishing a lit roman candle amidst the post-fireworks crowd on the Ben Franklin Parkway this past Saturday, or the guy I just heard about on the news that's running around robbing Hispanics at gunpoint. Wading through all this bad news is certainly enough to make you use Pollan's eater's manifesto as kindling for the charcoals and fire up the grill, but since mine's gas and I actually have a profound respect for Mr. Pollan, I'll just open up the valve, pray that my eyebrows remain intact when lighting it, and grill my face off.

After I torched some of Tom Mylan's choicest cuts of pork last summer (sniff), I had to redeem myself. Stumbling upon a Cook's Illustrated recipe a couple weeks back gave me my opportunity. It was your typical gazillion-step process Cook's Illustrated recipe (bad), but it was also the first one I've seen that offered a smoking method for the gas grill (good). Having a Friday at my disposal, I undertook the lengthy process--a brining, a rub, a rest, preparing the wood chips, preparing the grill, and finally, a four hour smoke bath for my baby backs.

The end result was something I want to make every day for the rest of my life. They were quite possibly the most succulent and sumptuous ribs I have ever tasted, and I'm not just saying that because I made them. The brown sugar in the rub gave them a beautiful glaze and sweetness that was the perfect complement to the spice mixture, and the smoky flavor of the meat had me gnawing at each rib for every last piece of protein. If you've got the time and the equipment, I highly recommend using both to make this magical meaty music. Buen provecho.

Barbecued Baby Back Ribs for Gas Grill (stolen from Cook's Illustrated)
Serves 4

Ingredients

Brine
1/2 cup table salt or 1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 racks baby back ribs (about 2 pounds each), or loin back ribs
Spice rub
1 tablespoon sweet paprika plus additional 1/2 teaspoon
1 1/2 teaspoons chili powder
1 3/4 teaspoons ground cumin
1 1/2 teaspoons dark brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon table salt or 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon dried oregano
3/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon ground white pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Instructions
1. To brine the ribs: Dissolve salt and sugar in 4 quarts cold water in stockpot or large plastic container. Submerge ribs in brine and refrigerate 1 hour until fully seasoned. Remove ribs from brine and thoroughly pat dry with paper towels.

2. While ribs are brining, cover two cups wood chips with water and soak 30 minutes, then drain. Combine spice rub ingredients in small bowl. When ribs are out of brine and dried, rub each side of racks with 1 tablespoon spice rub; refrigerate racks 30 minutes.

3. To barbecue the ribs: Place soaked wood chips in small disposable aluminum pan, (or homemade container as illustrated below); set pan on burner that will remain on. Turn all burners to high, close lid, and heat grill until chips smoke heavily, about 20 minutes. (If chips ignite, extinguish flames with water from squirt bottle.) Scrape grill grate clean with wire brush; turn off burner(s) without wood chips.

4. Arrange ribs on cool side of grill and cover (grill temperature should register about 275 degrees on grill thermometer). Cook for 4 hours, until meat easily pulls away from bone, flipping rib racks, switching their position so that rack that was nearest fire is on outside, and turning racks 180 degrees every 30 minutes. Transfer ribs to cutting board, then cut between bones to separate ribs; serve.

The Daddy Mac'll Make You

Pete's Famous was a perfect pit-stop on the way home from the Parkway festivities this past weekend, especially after wading through a crowd of ne'er-do-wells and drunken revelers with two pregnant ladies in tow (no easy feat). We managed to get one of the last tables of the night, and ignoring any sort of physical cues that I should have gone with something a little lighter, I ordered the Mac Daddy Burger Platter, not only because it was called the "Mac Daddy," but also because it was a cheeseburger topped with corned beef and Russian dressing.

Sandwiched between a home-grilled burger dinner and a home-grilled burger brunch, this overachieving middle child of a burger might be more aptly named "The Reuben surprise." I'm left to wonder (and possibly experiment on my own) what it might be like with kraut instead of pickles, but I was very pleased with how the pickles were used here; one lazy cut lengthwise, giving them a thickness that says, "Fuck you people, it's late and I'm sick of cutting pickles." Whether or not that was intentional, the two pickle halves stood up well next to the rest of the burger, which was an opulent mess of surpisingly fresh ingedients. The patty was a little overcooked, but the russian dressing (whether from a jar or house made, it erred on the mayo side, which is certainly preferable) saved the day. And even amidst the chaos of the teenage clientele in the place, the service was excellent. I'd definitely go back for the Mac (Daddy burger Platter). Buen provecho.

Pete's Famous is located at 116 N 21st Street (at Appletree). Mrs. Gastro got the pizza and gave it an OK. I think four of us got stuffed for $44 including beers for the non-pregnant eaters. Ordering the Mac Daddy Burger Platter will probably not make you a Mac Daddy, but it's still pretty damn good.

Why Did I Eat This?

Another relapse with Taco Bell. I needed a fix after finally getting my PA drivers license (it took months to do so, but the story is real boring and makes me look lazy, so forget I even mentioned it). This time I fell victim to a bunch of sweaty groomsmen and a sockeye salmon colored shell, both of which elevated my expectations regarding the heat factor. And since the portion control section of my brain shuts off under such duress, I ordered the Big Box meal, which comes with a Volcano taco, a regular taco, a Volcano burrito, and cinnamon twists.

Unfortunately, the Volcano offerings didn't really erupt with flavor. The mayonnaise that T-Bell tries to pass off as cheese sauce zeroes out any potential heat. There were other eruptions, but we're talking food here, so I'll spare you the details. Buen provecho.

My Friends Are Cooler Than Your Friends: The Hill-Side

As my style continues its downward spiral into weinerdom, I can at least be proud of the fact that I know people like Emil Corsillo, whose quiet confidence and ancient soul gives him the ability to be both masculine and at the forefront of fashion. The combination of the two puts blue collar in the board room with The Hill-Side, a line of stylish alt-haberdashery that would make your father proud (but he wouldn't tell you because he's the strong, silent type).

Constructed of only the most rugged of fabrics (selvedge chambray, waxed canvas) and handmade in Brooklyn, these ties and kerchiefs will be with you from womb to tomb, and since the designs are all such timeless classics, you're looking good under any circumstance. You could even use one of their ties to hang yourself (I can no longer take the weight of the world, but my Hill-Side tie can take the weight of me), although suicide should be the last thing on your mind when you look this good. Buen provecho.

The Hill-Side's available in person at NYC stores The Smile, Smith+Butler, and Steven Alan. You can also fly to Wisconsin and purchase at Context Clothing in Madison. If you want to shop in your pajamas (or if you live nowhere near Madison or NYC), Context also has an online store. For wholesale, contact Emil Corsillo.

Why Did I Eat This?

Admit it. This looks delicious. Maybe not gourmet, but definitely worth a trip down the esophagus. Gooey cheese, an assortment of meats, a crusty and chewy shell, all pre-processed, pre-packaged, frozen, shipped to your nearest Pizza Hut delivery storefront, reheated, and delivered to your doorstep. A second item from the Hut that makes me ponder, "Why did I eat this?" The main reason would have to be that I wanted to check it off the list of things that advertisements tell me to eat. I don't know how on earth they can make this thing so big for so cheap (see photo below for scale), especially with all the meat and cheese inside, but it beats the shit out of a $5 footlong.

I've been trying to get my hands on one of these since Tommy Davidson came out of "retirement" to bounce around on TV and scream "P'zone!" in your face repeatedly (much better than the footlong jingle). Not being anywhere near a pizza hut at the time, I missed my oppotunity, and I figured P'zones had gone the way of the unicorn until my non-DVR TV watching presented me with a second chance. After Mrs. Gastro smacked me out of my Homeresque trance, I grabbed the phone, lowered my expectations, and impatiently waited for about 30-40 minutes.

The verdict? It's actually pretty good, although it's way too much food. If it wasn't so heavy (according to the commercials, over a pound, which feels about right), you could wear it on your head to the Kentucky Derby. The best strategy is to try and stretch it over a couple meals/days if at all possible. Shoving the whole thing in your face will just put you to sleep. It's also really greasy, and I doubt you'd want to shove a paper towel inside of it, so that thing you normally do with really greasy pizza and paper towels doesn't work. If you're a slob like me, this isn't too much of an issue, but you should be mindful of such things as remote controls and couch cushions.

If we're going to call a spade a spade, it's really just a calzone with a clever name, but that's enough to sell me. If you can't find a real pizzeria nearby, or you're just a sucker for marketing like me, I'd give the P'zone a shot. Even if you think it sucks, you're only out six bucks. Buen provecho.