Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why Did I Eat This?

Much like drinking can be worth the hangover, fast food gimmicks can sometimes be worth the inevitable intestinal discomfort.  The McRib is ALWAYS worth it.  Finally reintroduced after years of yeti-like existence, I was lucky enough to find one at the McDonald's in Suburban Station prior to their nationwide availability on November 2, which gives me an additional week to eat it for every meal of every day.  As good buddy Matt Cannon* said, "It shouldn't be 'Why Did I Eat This,' it should be 'How Many of These Can I Eat?'"

Perhaps a large part of the attraction is its inherent nostalgia and mystique, but then again, maybe it's just goddamn good.  I've always been a fan of McDonald's BBQ sauce with its err on the side of spicy and not sweet. Slathered all over a patty of mystery meat topped with pickles and onions, you are dealing with some top-notch second-rate sandwich innards that rest nicely between a marshmallow-soft cornmeal-dusted bun. We have a six week window, folks; let's supersize ourselves. Buen Provecho.

*Loser of the Durian Challenge and wearer of jean shorts

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Street Legal

Let me tell you about the way I make a purchase.  I'll find out about a product, talk a whole bunch of shit on it (typically, "whoever eats/uses/drinks these is a total douche nozzle and I hope they get scabies"), let a week pass, then buy the damn thing with little to no research, regardless of the cost.  Mrs. Gastro was kind enough and sage enough to point this out when my brother-in-law walked into our living room wearing neoprene and rubber "socks" that made his feet look like Shrek's. By now I'm sure you've all heard about Vibram Five Fingers, quite literally a second skin for your feet that will allow you to essentially run barefoot.  I spent at least two weeks talking shit about my brother-in-law's "freak shoes," laughing heartily at the thought of him stepping on a syringe (because I'm sadistic); then I went and bought a pair (just like Mrs. Gastro predicted).  I've had them now for almost a year, and I'd really like to tell you that they are life changing when it comes to running, but in order for me to do that, I'd actually have to use them. Instead, they've spent much of the past year gathering dust (an unspoken Mrs. Gastro prediction).  Fast forward to now, when these fuckers are on backorder and I don't really know how to use eBay but wouldn't get rid of them even if I did, because what you don't know about these special "freak shoes" is that they allow you to run and drink beer at the same time.  I found this out when our dear friends Dave and Rachel, accompanied by their third and youngest son, Falcon, had inquired about this barefoot running craze while visiting from Salt Lake (side note: Dave is an incredible woodworker and Rachel writes a hilarious blog about food and how hospitable Utah can be when you're not from there).  What you see above is proof that these shoes do indeed have magical powers (and that I am, for all intents and purposes, a fool).  Too bad they couldn't prevent the ensuing hangover.  Buen provecho.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Beginner's (Un)luck

 This is my shitty ass garden.  It was not organic.  It was also not very successful.  Granted, this was my first attempt at channeling Kingsolver/Pollan/hippies in general, but I make no excuse other than I am equal parts lazy and easily distracted.  Plus, gardening is super hard when you're not paid to write about it.  Hopefully either myself or one of you readers will learn from my mistakes.  Here's what not to do when planting a garden:

1. Do not just go to the hardware store and buy a bunch of crap (who really needs two basil plants?).
2. Do not select a location beneath huge black walnut trees that provide lots of shade and danger in the autumn months.
3. Do not just dig up a patch of grass in the backyard on a whim.
4. Do not take weeks off at a time from watering your garden.
5. Do not plant tomatoes within inches of each other.

I don't have any tips for a successful garden, but at a minimum, I would recommend a smidge more planning before your shovel hits the dirt.  Good luck future green thumbs.  Buen provecho.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Why Did I Eat This?

More like AngASS SnackCRAP.  Surely I am neither the first nor the last to refer to this Andy Garcia's unfortunate twin of a snack as such.  Following a gameful but foodless visit to Charles Edward Cheese, there was a hunger inside me that could only be satisfied by drive-thru eats.  Unfortunately, there aren't many options along the I-276 and 309 exits (not that we looked all that hard), so we had to settle for McDonald's.  Trying not to be a total fatass, I opted for an Angus Snackwrap.  And you know what?  Fuck McDonald's, especially off-hours McDonald's.  What you see above must have been under the heat lamp since noon, onions, pickles, and all.  The half-patty was about as appetizing as a nerf football that had spent some time with a slobbery dog, and the ketchup tasted like pesticide.  To make matters worse, I order an M&M McFlurry, quite possibly the worst combination of candy and ice cream ever conceived.  If you're in the mood for a snack, order anything but this disaster.  Please. Buen provecho.