The Dark Side of Barbie's Beau

Sometimes the guitar comes out and the kids don't immediately tell you to put it away. And sometimes they even ask you to play a song about a Ken doll. When that happens, this happens, especially if you're friends with a gentleman by the name of Brad Podray, who was gracious enough to record me and this video and then overlay the two, the result of which is Ken's lament. Please enjoy!

Why Did I Eat This?

"There's a burrito in my quesadilla." - Taco Bell Wrapper

Behold, Taco Bell's version of a stuffed crust pizza. Originally something found on Chipotle's secret menu, Taco Bell did what any self-resepecting corporation would do with such a great idea: rip it off and market the shit out of it.

With little willpower and only a salad for lunch, I was an easy mark for the Quesarito, a burrito with a quesadilla shell. Sadly, the addition of said quesadilla is not accretive. Apart from the (also ripped off from Chipotle) cilantro-lime rice and a spicy mayo-based sauce, it tasted like your standard beef burrito, just with the added calories of an extra tortilla. For $2.80, you're better off getting a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with a Doritos shell. Buen provecho.

Chef Spike's Good Stuff Eatery Opens, Nobody Seems to Give a Shit

No lines out the door. No lines inside. Not that there was any real hype to begin with. According to Foobooz, Spike was there on Tuesday when the place opened, but after the requisite Scott Schroeder selfie...

Photo Credit: Scott Charles Schroeder, People's Champ

He seems to have split. Not that I was interested in meeting the dude. It would have probably been awkward considering my opinion of him is less than favorable (TV makes you hate people). Instead, I'll continue to hide in the tall grass of the internet and serve up this quick photo series of the newly opened Good Stuff Eatery. My early troll's opinion is that although it's a blatant Shake Shack ripoff, it's not bad. I would caution against shitting on "Cheese Whiz," however. Buen Provecho.

This sign is stupid and anger-inducing.

Good Stuff might have it in the fry department.

Despite my hatred for Evangelos Mendelsohn (Spike's gubment name), the Good Stuff Melt was pretty delicious.

Super Easy Coconut Curry Chicken Recipe

Last night I set Instagram ablaze with this recipe (20 likes!), but rather than float the recipe into the sea of comments (6 total including mine!), I figured you could get to it much easier if I posted here. I used chicken breasts, but any protein will do (a meaty fish like turbot works very well). If you do make it, constructive criticism/regular criticism is welcome in the comments. Buen provecho.

Easy Ass Coconut Curry Chicken

Ingredients:

1.5 to 2 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1 tbsp vegetable oil

1/2 cup onion, diced

1 tbsp red curry paste

1 cup chicken broth

1/2 cup light coconut milk

2 tbsp lime juice

5 scallions, green parts only, sliced

Roughly chopped cilantro, about 1/2 cup

Salt and pepper to taste

Preparation:

Heat oil in your biggest skillet on high. While the pan heats, cube the chicken and add to pan when oil shimmers. Toss in some salt and pepper, brown the chicken, then remove from pan. Add onions and cook until translucent or slightly browned, then add curry paste and cook until fragrant. Stir in chicken stock, coconut milk, and cooked chicken, then let the broth cook down until desired consistency. Remove from heat, stir in lime juice, scallions, and cilantro. Add more salt and pepper to taste. Serve over steamed spinach if your metabolism runs at a snail's pace and you're sentenced to a miserable life of not eating carbohydrates. Otherwise, serve over a bed of delicious basmati rice.

You Have Four More Days to Try the Carbonara Burger

Impossible to photograph and nearly as hard to eat, the Marc Vetri x Shake Shack collaboration burger is definitely worth the mess. And if you get there early like I did, you probably won't need to stand in a record-breaking line to eat it. It's one thing to have patience when you're not hungry. But if you haven't eaten since breakfast? Fuck that shit.

The burger (Patty La La patty, peppery over-easy egg, bacon, and pecorino cheese) is a mere $6.75, and a dollar of that goes to The Vetri Foundation, so if you were too poor to attend last night's Great Chefs Event, this is a great way to contribute before it gets taken off the menu on June 16th. Plus, the burger is ridiculously good. Buen provecho.

ICYDFMOT (In Case You Don't Follow Me On Twitter), Here's Some Terrible Photoshops for Your Friday

In light of the recent news that culinary bad boy Guy Fieri is wasting someone else's money on a steakhouse that will probably fail within two months of opening, I started thinking about an alternate universe where Philly chefs donned the denim chef coat and bleached spikes and kame up with some kewl koncepts. Then I tweeted a bunch of terrible photoshops called "Philly Chefs in a Denim Chef's Coat with Guy Fieri Hair." Now I'm taking it a step further and presenting some highlights in the series with each chef's money menu item since it's Friday and you need a distraction from your soul-crushing job. Buen Provecho.

Big In Munich Cancels June 2nd Show

Channeling Miley Cyrus, part-time rockstars and full-time chefs Jeremy Nolen and Ben Puchowitz have canceled next Tuesday's Philly Beer Week show. Their Facebook page cites unfortunate circumstances, so we're all hopeful that the Summer hiatus isn't anything too serious, but this is some shit news for sure, and definitely more disappointing than the time I went to the Fat Ham for lunch and it was closed. At least there's a bajillion PBW events where we can drown our sorrows. Buen provecho.

Free Japanese Burrito Day at Hai Street Kitchen & Co

Thanks to Michael Klein, much of Center City got wind of a free Japanese burrito promotion happening at Hai St Kitchen & Co today, a new concept from one of Morimoto's sous chefs that first debuted in London (because America wasn't quite ready). I can count myself among the jackasses that subjected themselves to a two-plus hour wait to try what was essentially an enormous maki roll, something that would set you back eight bucks and most likely a shorter wait on a normal day. Part of it was curiosity, and part of it was, "Hey! Free food!" And although I'm not much for lines (because we get everything instantly because we live in the future), I have to admit that it was actually worth the wait. I'm curious to know if others felt the same way, because this was all I saw when I looked behind me:

But enough about the social dynamics of subjecting people to long wait times to get free shit. Let's discuss the Japanese burrito. I had plenty of time to go over the menu, but I was pretty set with a Signature Roll Combination called "The Crunch" from the time I decided to wait it out. To keep things moving, ordering and preparation follows Chipotle's assembly line concept. It all starts with a magic machine called a Maki Master that cranks out square tiles of sushi rice, providing Hai Street's version of a tortilla. Next, you pick proteins, vegetables, and sauces, all of which are overstuffed into the roll. This is what differentiates it from normal sushi. The roll is literally burrito-sized (and only cut into two pieces):

Empty Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee cup shown for scale. That's only half the roll.

Inside this monstrosity was shrimp tempura, spicy mayo, romaine lettuce, cucumber, pickled mango, and asparagus. Since it's mostly made-to-order, everything tasted fresh. The tempura had a nice crunch, the rice was well-cooked, and the spicy mayo was balanced nicely with the cucumber and mango's brightness. Oh yeah, and it was free (if you don't count the opportunity cost of waiting). I could probably take down more than one in a sitting, but this was a good start. It will definitely be a welcome addition to the lunch options in Center City. Buen provecho.

Why Did I Eat This? McDonald's Bacon Clubhouse

There are no redeeming qualities to this sandwich. Fuck this sandwich.  

Joe Biden Caught With Federal Donuts, Jimi Has Questions.

Excuse me while I quiz this guy.

Dear Twitter, please allow us to add gifs to our tweets.

Why Did I Eat This? Domino's Specialty Chicken

Contrary to what Eater reported, Domino's Specialty Chicken doesn't really qualify as "pizza with a breaded chicken crust," but it's as good a description as any for the pile of fried chicken chunks fused together with cheese and drizzled with assorted sauces.

Whatever the nomenclature, it's hard not to like this marriage of appetizer and main course. We tried the Classic Hot Buffalo and the Crispy Bacon and Tomato offerings, and both were great, albeit small. When I opened the box and saw that they were no bigger than a French bread pizza, I was disappointed, even though you get at least a dozen chunks of meat that actually have the taste and texture of chicken. This turned out to be a good thing, however, because it forced me to control my portions. Granted, I went to bed hungry, but at least I could look myself in the mirror when I woke up. Right now, you can get two for $5.99 each. I strongly recommend ordering six. Buen provecho.

Eat Like a Top Chef Judge: Nick Elmi's Laurel

As Seen on TV. Four of Elmi's Seven Course Tasting Menu

After 16 weeks spent writing, singing, and spoken word-ing about the guy (plus another 8 weeks until we could get a table), Mrs. Gastro and I finally got to taste Nicholas Elmi's food.

There are words, but I can't find them/use them without sounding like a starfucker. Besides, the critics have already set the tone (here, here, and here). Suffice to say that the meal exceeded expectations, especially the ricotta gnocchi, which rested dangerously atop that precarious foundation of overhype until I found myself licking the empty bowl and wishing for a real-life instant replay button to relive each bite. Our server told us that some people order a second bowl for dessert, but since we were there on a Friday, only the seven course tasting was available (some food for thought when making reservations).

What you need to know if you want to go:
1. According to Elmi himself (because he runs your food and says 'hi' and makes you feel all cool because he was on national TV and said "jawn" while on national TV and also won Top Chef), they're booked until August, but don't let that deter you...
2. Because Elmi also says, "Everyone in the dining room has been waiting for this table for weeks or months, or they're willing to take the 10:40 seating on Tuesday. This is constantly on my mind and I make sure it's also on the mind of my staff. What they're eating in September should be exactly what you're eating now."
3. You may be tempted to "jump-hug" Nick. Do your best to suppress this urge. The dining room is too small.
4. Laurel is closed on Sundays and Mondays.

I'm hoping we can get back again someday, but for now the gnocchi (and the rest of the meal) will live in my dreams. Buen provecho.

Laurel Restaurant
1617 East Passyunk
Phila, PA 19148
$200 including coffee and tip. We brought our own wine.

The Fat Ham Isn't Open for Lunch Anymore

(Fidel Gastro eagerly walks up Walnut St and into The Fat Ham)

The Fat Ham Employees: We're not open for lunch.

(awkward stares you'd expect from the dudes behind the counter at Supreme)

Me: Really? Fuck.

(walks out of The Fat Ham. Has a shitty turkey melt at the "Irish" pub next door. Cries)

In case you didn't already know, The Fat Ham is no longer open for lunch as previously advertised. Buen Provecho.

Why Did I Eat This? Taco Bell's XXL Steak Taco

More of an XL, don't you think?

Today's trip to Taco Bell is brought to you by double-rationalization. Since I ran for a humblebraggingly long 45 minutes and I felt like writing (slow workday), I decided to treat myself, which was an XXL mistake. In the interest of your time, I'll keep this fairly short and to the point. Don't waste your money on the XXL Steak Taco. The slightly oversized shell falls apart at first crunch, and it's a bland sonofabitch (probably because I've spent the last year eating shells that are either made of assorted Doritos flavors or waffles). The steak wasn't actually too bad, though it was more brisket than steak, and there was nowhere near enough of it to warrant 'XXL' status. The avocado ranch sauce was more sour creamy than anything (not a bad thing), but the whole experience felt like I was eating a boring old taco supreme. Good thing I could chase it with a Fiery Doritos Locos taco. In retrospect, I probably should have just gotten two of those, which I could have done for the same price as one stupid slightly bigger taco.

In summary, we should just let Nate Robinson have them all, because we can't handle the XXL Steak Taco. Buen provecho.

5 Reasons Why You Should Drink Cortados

Hub Bub Coffee Makes an Exceptional Cortado

If coffee has become more than part of your daily routine to wake up, then you've probably heard of a cortado, the espresso drink that lacks the shittily poured beer foaminess of a cappucino, but has enough steamed milk to remind you that you don't really like coffee unless it's full of cream and sugar. It is coffee's best example of a happy medium. If this is the first time you're hearing about this nifty new coffee drink, then please take this moment to read this dumbass list while you sip your Cookie Dough Iced Coffee, then find your nearest non-Starbucks and go order one.

1. The coffee-milk ratio is such that you can drink a cortado immediately.
2. When you order one, the barista knows that you know, and that part of you that wants so badly to be the cool kid inwardly smiles.
3. You get more than a single gulp of an espresso.
4. Matt Duckor drinks them when he's not drinking Negronis. Matt Duckor is cool as shit and you want his job. See #2 above.
5. Motherfuck a latte.

Lists are stupid. This one is no exception. Buen provecho.

Why Did I Eat This?

Overmarketing. It's the way shit gets done these days. This time around, we've seen a Taco Bell Breakfast Phone, early previews extended to the media, and of course an endless Twitter feed perpetuating both. Not that I needed any real arm-twisting to try Taco Bell's new Breakfast Menu, even after I had been warned twice. The first red flag came from my best buddy's wife, who happened to be working on the campaign years ago. According to her, the Run for the Border Bosses' only requirement for the menu was that it had to be cheaper than McDonald's. The second warning was via this guest post last August, when another friend of mine was fortunate enough to be in one of the test markets. Still, this was something I needed to try for myself as soon as the opportunity came about, and by opportunity, I mean being late for work by getting off the train one stop early and making my way through the stabbier parts of Philly's Gallery Mall. Some opportunities are created.

I have a love/hate thing with Taco Bell (that skews toward love). In fact, the only reason I hate it these days is because mid-thirties me can't handle it from a gastrointestinal perspective. Getting old sucks, but I'm not here to complain about aging, I'm here to tell you that despite the facts that the casualty of Taco Bell's price war is "food" that could barely pass as such in a laboratory and my test market buddy wasn't totally impressed, I found Taco Bell's breakfast to be more than passable. So if you're still reading, here's a brief review of the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap. I skipped the breakfast burrito and breakfast taco because nobody really cares, and I also opted out of the Cinnabon Delights to stave off the impending diabetes.

Waffle Taco: The Waffle Taco is packaged in a carton whose lid taunts "Right Now I'm Eating a Waffle Taco and You're Not," the context of which only makes sense if you're sending a picture to your social media friends. Otherwise, is the carton eating your waffle taco? And what about the carton littered on the street? It's not eating a Waffle Taco, it's just garbage. I get it, but not really. And the taco itself? It's normally what I'll build at the Hampton Inn hot breakfast, some chafing dish bonanza whose sum is much greater than the parts. The waffle had the consistency of a rubber dog toy, but the sausage patty and side of syrup saved it. And the elastic nature of the waffle shell held the whole thing together quite well. I couldn't really taste the cheese, but I also ate the thing in two bites.

A.M. Crunchwrap: Because I blog so infrequently, I have yet to share my thoughts on Sonic's Ultimate Meat & Cheese Breakfast Burrito, a tour de force of meats, potatoes, cheese, and eggs. It is easily my favorite breakfast item in the fast food universe. The Crunchwrap is a smaller version of this concept. The size of an Egg McMuffin, it takes the best of what breakfast has to offer and wraps it up like a giant dumpling. There's none of the Waffle Taco braggery on the packaging. Instead, it offers the practicality of covering all your breakfast bases without having to use a fork and knife. And it tastes pretty damn good (because it's probably loaded with sodium).

If you think your stomach can handle it (or you simply don't care), both items are highly recommended. If nothing else, there's always the novelty of trying something you haven't before. And if that whole irony thing is still trendy, you can chalk it up to that if you feel guilty about eating at Taco Bell. Just take care not to get syrup in your handlebar mustache. Buen Provecho.

The Two Whitest Things I Heard at Last Night's Philly Feastival

If you weren't at last night's Philly Feastival, you missed an opportunity to sample ridiculous food from all the restaurants you've ever wanted visit if you could ever manage to find a last-minute babysitter willing to watch two kids on a weeknight. You also missed Jesse Rendell stumbling through the auction items once again (if you need an emcee/auctioneer/hype man for next year, I'm your guy), heaps of dancey performance art that sort of made sense, and these two gems that you could only hear at such an event:

• "Oh my God, I didn't recognize you without spinning clothes on!"
• "I can't wait to check out Stephen Starr's restaurant row."

White people are amazing. Buen provecho.

The Regular Ass Guy Bullet Point List to Being a Man

While indeed thoughtful, Business Insider's "Unofficial Guide to Being a Man" appears to be written for a narrow audience. After all, we can't all be overworked and miserable millionaires with no life skills at the ripe old age of 28. With that in mind, I've curated my own list for the rest of us, because being a man today is basically the same as it was when our dads were on their grind, just with tighter clothes and a lot more fantasy football.

• If you're gonna talk about where you went to college, make sure you went to a sports school, but if you played sports, stop talking about how you could have gone pro.
• Khakis are both comfortable and versatile. The best ones come from Kohl's.
• Pee outside. Just not in the middle of a busy intersection.
• Tattoos are fine as long as they aren't on your face or neck. Plus, they look wicked hardcore when you're on the Tough Mudder course.
• Join Twitter. Follow Karl Welzein, Zoo With Roy, and Deadspin.
• If your house and your office are both relatively close to the bus stop, there's little shame in the bus game. However, the monthly payment on a Scion or a Ford Focus is about the same as a bus pass. The jury's out on which one's more depressing.
• Do your laundry while watching football on Sundays. Make sure the entirety of your business casual wardrobe is non-iron/wrinkle-free. Life's too short NOT to multitask.
• When the bartender asks, Miller Lite.
• If you perspire, make sure that you're the first to point out how disgusting it is, then continue to sweat like the pig you are. Hope everyone laughs.
• You have to like baseball. This is America.
• When people don't invite you to a party, it's probably because of your perspiration problem. Those people are high falutin' and can suck a fatty.
• It's always better to be the funny drunk guy than the angry drunk guy.
• Brunch is for hipsters. Hipsters are anyone different from you and who like things other than sports.
• There's always another level. You just won't get to it, unless you're referring to video games.
• Place-dropping is cool so long as it's the Super Bowl, the World Series, or one of the majors. Nobody gives a shit how many DMB concerts you've attended.
• If you're not driving and it's free, whiskey away.
• You can't afford cocaine.
• If it's got velvet ropes and lines, you're at the wrong place. Buffalo Wild Wings is down the street.

If you need a little more clarity, this song ought to help.

The Greatest Top Chef Season 11 Pre-Cap Song You've Ever Heard

I blame (thank?) Buzzfeed for the self-serving title of this post, but if you can get past the shitty Garage Band recording and poorly-timed slideshow I made using software that dates back to the invention of the abacus, the results are pretty spectacular. Here's hoping this season of Top Chef will be a lot better than the previous two. Let me know if I should waste my time doing this every week in the comments. Buen Provecho.

Why Did He Eat This?

Been way too long, folks. Way too long. Seeing how the laziness doesn't subside with old age (duh), and taking into consideration the fact that Philadelphia wasn't one of the chosen few test markets for the Taco Bell Breakfast (even though we are a lovely amalgam of actual fat people (me) and skinny fat people), I enlisted the help of a good friend in Nebraska, who was gracious enough to snap a few pics and offer his take on what is sure to be a disappointment once it lands in our fair city. Behold, the taste test results of Taco Bell's attempt at breakfast.

Words and pics courtesy of Matt Biggins, to whom we owe a debt for the intestinal discomfort:

I'm fine with the admission that I do enjoy Taco Bell. Of course, late at night, it's a no-brainer. But even daytime, 3 or 4 crunchy tacos are great. Like a couple cheeseburgers at McDonalds, even the fast food giants can do the simple stuff well. 

A few weeks ago, I made a run for the border. The marquee out front read "Breakfast Coming in August." Having seen nothing on TV or anywhere else, I was a bit surprised. Come to find out that Omaha is a test market. OK. Taco Bell and breakfast. Anything's possible, right? For the uninitiated, there are 3 main offerings being tested:

• Breakfast "Taco" - sausage and egg with a "shell' made of a small waffle. 

• A.M. Griller - Looks like a quesadilla with eggs, cheese and bacon or sausage. 

• Breakfast Crunchwrap - Also, looks like eggs cheese and bacon or sausage. Maybe a taco shell inside? I can't tell from the picture. 

I ordered one of each. The Taco looks like it has a big 'ol slab of sausage, so, anticipating the digestive activity of the next several hours, opted for the slightly lighter bacon on my Griller and Crunchwrap. 

First off, the Taco. This is the one I'm most excited about. I love waffles. Love 'em. And with sausage, giddy'up. The waffle is thick and tender, but oily. First bite, oil. Slightly stale oil. Not a promising start. The next couple bites improve, as the sausage flavor takes over. I was expecting some sort of maple crystals in the waffle, like a McDonalds McGrillers. That or some kind of maple-y sauce. But there is none. Pretty disappointing. 

Next up, the A.M. Griller. It's like a soft taco, filled with breakfast. The bacon flavor reminds me of imitation bacon bits. Not a bad thing, but not great. With a bunch of hot sauce, this one is totally decent. 

Finally, the Crunchwrap. A hash brown(!) replaces the tostada shell. There's also a slightly spicy sauce that tastes like their quesadilla sauce. It's a lot smaller than the normal Crunchwrap, so there's more tortilla per bite. And the potato adds some heft to this. Pretty heavy for a breakfast, but tasty. Again, the bacon flavor tastes artificial. I'm sure sausage wrap is better. 

Having eaten halfway through each item, my stomach is not pleased. This is certainly one of the greasier breakfast meals I've had. While I can get down and enjoy a greasy pile o' fast-food, morning is a rough time to do so. Perhaps to nurse a hangover, a Breakfast Crunchwrap and a big-ass Mountain Dew may hit the spot, but I'd rather spend the junk food points on a big plate of biscuits and gravy. 

Caveat emptor, readers, and as always, buen provecho.