Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Why Did I Eat This?

Thanks to Foobooz, I got wind that the Philly Soft Pretzel Factory was giving away free cheesesteak pretzels today.  After my first bite, I realized why.  It was nothing more than a glorified hot pocket.  The meat inside was a grade shy of Taco Bell standards, and the "cheese" part of "cheesesteak" was neither present nor accounted for.  The other realization I had was that while seemingly good on paper, a pretzel--especially a mass produced one--is the wrong vessel for delivering shreds of meat that are too good for the hot dog casing, but not quite good enough for fajitas.  This meat requires the cloudlike structure of an Italian roll, not the waxy and dense just-barely-cooked doughiness of a pretzel.  I appreciate the effort, but I think the pretzel should remain a lone wolf.  A few grains of salt and a streak of spicy mustard is all he needs.  As Will Smif (quoting someone else) once said, "If it ain't broke then don't try to fix it."  Buen provecho.

 Philly Soft Pretzel Factory is all over the damn place.  After striking out at the location on 19th and Chestnut, I went to one on 15th and Sansom.  On a regular day (unless they pull the idea after failing in test markets), you can get a cheesesteak pretzel for $3.50.  Oh yeah, and the first person to put a pretzel bahn mi on their menu will get a free punch in the face from me.  Leave the damn pretzels alone, people.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Why Did I Eat This?

I'm not a candy blogger (nor am I a shrimp blogger), but a buddy of mine threw out a challenge to review what could have potentially been a match made in heaven, Pretzel M&M's (if you think I'm improperly using that apostrophe, look at the packaging). Unfortunately, Mars came up short.  While the idea of salty and sweet is as old as last night's Lost characters, a ball bearing-sized pretzel is just too small to strike the appropriate balance, and the attempt to give it any diameter whatsoever left little room for chocolate, especially after figuring in the thin candy shell.  The sum was way less than the parts.  Furthermore, there couldn't have been more than 10-12 candies in the package, so Josh, if you're reading this, I'd like the dollar back that I wasted trying these.  Buen provecho.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Magnificent Mexican Mush

While the rest of the world is busy being tasered and/or trying to blow up Times Square (dumbasses), I'm using the Mexican holiday that only Americans celebrate as an excuse for some home cooking in front of the camera. Please enjoy this simple recipe for the best guacamole you will ever taste. What's that you say? Guacamole on Cinco de Mayo? Wow, that's original! Buen provecho.

Seriously, the Best Guacamole You Will Ever Taste
2 avocados, cubed
1/4 medium onion, diced
1/4 medium tomato, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 jalapeno, seeds and ribs removed, diced
Juice of 1 lime
Salt and pepper to taste
Cilantro, if you don't think it tastes like soap

Dump all ingredients in a bowl, mash and stir with a fork using whatever technique you think looks cool.  Drink a shot of tequila, then serve with your choice of tortilla chips (except the baked ones; they suck).